Sunday, October 31, 2010


Well it has been one full month of blogging. And what have I learned?
More of You and less of me. That's all I want. I need to submit myself daily and hourly - it's no longer I that liveth, but Christ that liveth in me. Otherwise, what separates me from the world?
Total submission to God.
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Saturday, October 30, 2010


Psalm 46:5
"God is within her, she will not fail;
God will help her at break of day,"
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Friday, October 29, 2010


Psalm 34
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Thursday, October 28, 2010


God loves me enough to fight my battles. He loves me enough to allow me to go through pain and learn from it. But mostly, he loves me enough to handle all my fears and failures and weakness. He takes everything upon Himself when I give it to Him. This includes the good things too i.e. hopes, dreams, desires.
If I let myself think about being attacked too much, then the enemy is able to have a hold on a small aspect of my life - but it can grow. That's why it's important to be sure that I remind myself of God's Word and His promises. When my thoughts are of God, the enemy can't touch them. God has already won.

Verses to live by:
1 Peter 5:8-10
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 25:15-21 (this has now become my nightly prayer)
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

you know what i love?

That two mintues after that post, God reminds me that the devil is a liar.
You know what that means? He LIES.
NOTHING he says is true and his only goal is to break me.
Its war.
Bring it.
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I HATE the devil. Like - you don't even know.
I have had so many moments today where I was like - really? this is happening? right NOW?
You know the moments when you're cruising along and things are fine and something happens and your stomach turns to mush.
Well, I hope you have never experienced them.
Because they suck.
More than a lot of things.
The weird thing is, I had some really great moments today.
I was really encouraged and everything and then the stupid devil.
I'm just trying to remember why I was encouraged earlier and cling to that.
I have so many great people in my life though that encourage me...everyday if I need it.
Recently, it's been every day.
People that are willing to listen to me and hold me and lift me up.
and rub my leg when something else happens while I'm talking to the person.
It was seriously that cruel irony.
Something happened while I was explaining something else that happened.
Praise God.
Praise God that He won't give me more than I can handle.
More than I can handle with His help.
I'm so worn out though.
Feeling tired.
Thank God for putting people in my life to lift me up when I'm tired.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


morally, I know how wrong it is to say but I just can't help it - today sucked.

Monday, October 25, 2010

side note

as I look at the flame on the candles in my room, I notice that the longer and wilder wick produces a bigger and wilder flame.
the shorter wick produce a more steady flame. it doesn't jump around at all and it's constantly the same height.
I can't help but think that this applies to life. God prunes us and refines us to produce more fruit and to keep our path straight. When we get out of control in our roots....sometimes we just get out of control in general. Does this make sense? :p. Help me out peeps. Share what you think :)


I've had a lot of free time this weekend and it's been pretty tough - not gonna lie. It's difficult when I was really looking forward to something and it came and went without any sort of recognition. I'll admit that my mind has been pretty down this weekend too. I'm having a tough time taking it day by day, but I know that's what God wants me to do. I've been just continually praying for a heart after His - a heart that desires the same things and is persistent to see things through. Again, it's all about me being patient. I know that it's God's timing and not mine but having a heart after that is hard. AKA - it's difficult being patient! Plus memories are being brought up that truly just make me sad. I constantly find myself having to rededicate my thoughts to God. It sucks being human and wanting to take control of everything! Well I have by no means found all the answers, but God is revealing SO much to me right now. Like that saying goes, I just need to let go and let God.

now repeat!

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I am learning that God's timing is NOT my timing.

This lesson is NOT easy.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Today was the kind of day where just seeing the date written on my phone was hard. But once again, it could have been much worse. All day, my heart has kind of ached. It wasn't an intense pain, but more of a hurt of missing the good times. It didn't help that today was also a family event of his that I would have liked to go to :p. But overall, it wasn't a bad day. And that is completely a God thing. I shed a few tears here and there, but I also had some great time learning from God's Word. I think what today really showed me is that I really need to trust that all things work together for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28....totally paraphrased). I know that today especially was tough with trying to control my thoughts. I'd be super upset because I wanted to be somewhere else, then tried to counter it my being really hopeful about the future but what God is showing me is to be content NOW. I know God will work out the future. I know what happened in the past was for a purpose. Whether what I want to happen in the future will happen isn't important. What is important is that I trust God to be God and not to rely on myself.
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Friday, October 22, 2010


Fellowship is great and amazing. But it's interesting that even after a night filled with laughter, some really painful and emotional things can be brought up. There really is no telling when the emotions come but sometimes it's subtle and other times it's an onslaught. Let me just say that I'm incredibly grateful for the people I'm surrounded by. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. It would have been our one year anniversary, and to be honest I'm not reallly looking forward to it. I know I'll be feeling a lot of things, but my prayer is that God will reveal something big to me. I would ask of you (whoever is reading :)) to say a prayer for me too if you get a chance tomorrow. Not only for strength through the day but also that I would learn whatever it is God wants to show me. I really appreciate it <3
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rI've realized that there are a lot of things that have been perverting my life so to speak. Music. Movies. Shows. Etc. Cutting things out this week :)
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Phew. What a day. It has been long and emotional and at times it was hard to deal with. It was a day of learning for me, again and a day to reflect. These past two weeks have felt like months to me - and I say that with complete honesty. My mind has been racing all day and I'm so excited to lay my head down tonight (in a few seconds actually) and sleep. I want to thank those of you that read this for your prayers though. I really do appreciate them :). I guess I have nothing deep to say tonight except to have faith that God will direct your path because that's exactly what He's showing me.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Been reading in Ecclesiastes today.
Actually, I read all of Ecclesiastes today.
That is definitely one book that has different meaning each time I read it.
Some of the verses in there were literally exactly about what I'm going through.
Like - shocked me.
God shocks me.
And I shock myself.
Only I shock myself in a not-good way :p.
I just see how good God is and how many mistakes I've made, yet I'm covered by His love still.
I'm learning soooooooooooooo much right now.
It's all still in a jumble in my head :).
Meanwhile- owl.


Surrounded by people that love me and almost everyone I love.
I was spoiled rotten and poured into all day long.
My family helped me through the tough times and didn't act like nothing happened.
It was weird for part of the day, but in general, my day was awesome.
I love my family.
I don't think I can say it enough.
I love my family.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Well I can honestly say that I was not looking forward to my birthday until about 10 last night. Rocio, Darah and I stayed up talking til about midnight and it was awesome. We talked about a lot of things but I shared with them my apprehension about my birthday and they prayed for me last night before bed.
And just like that, my day has been changed. I'm excited to share more about my birthday later, but I think God's biggest gift to me has been the ability to enjoy today for what it is - a celebration that I have been given another year of life. Another year to love and another year to live for Him.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


this is going to be a long healing process.

And with all the birthdays and family events, these next few weeks might be a little rough.

Friday, October 15, 2010


"I know you can be overwhelmed,
and you can be underwhelmed,
but can you ever just be...whelmed?"

I feel overwhelmed with schoolwork.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


These next few days leading up to my birthday are going to be super busy. Today was pretty emotional. Giving my life to God isn't just a one time thing. It's literally something I need to do daily. Because the moment I think "I've got this" is the moment that I try to take control back. I don't want control right now. I'm very content that God has everything in His hands. I just need to remember that. I'll admit that I forget sometimes, but I need to always try to remember. That's where true peace is.


Wednesday was pretty good. I worked and then came home and rested. If this illness has taught me anything it's that I should never underestimate the power of rest.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Super sick today, so this isn't going to be long. Today was a long day but I'm excited to be going to sleep soon. It was a thoughtful day but not many painful thoughts. Been praying a lot for those around me and those that aren't around me anymore. I'm always humbled by the support of my family and friends. The least I can do is lift them up in prayer too.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I realize that I'm not the only one going through a tough time right now. God has made it clear that I need to focus on Him and me alone right now, but if I could at least encourage you all who may be going through a tough time too with a passage of scripture then I will. This really encouraged me this morning.

Romans 8:26-30
"Liekwise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified."

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Today has been exhausting but totally rewarding. I feel like a chapter in my life has been closed and a new one is starting. I want to move forward and I'm excited to see what God has for me. But for today, I'm tired and ready for bed :p. After I finish my online test and take a bath of course....also, calm tea has been THE best. Sore throat will hopefully be cured by it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Today was alright, this morning was good, afternoon was good but tonight and mid-morning have been difficult. Just feeling a little lonely which I know isn't right because I have my family around but you know how it is. I'm trusting God to bring me through this though and I know I'm never alone with Him near. It's just tough that some people haven't found out and I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow I guess because it's gonna be my first time seeing a lot of people at the church since the break-up. I know it won't be that bad but it's still not super easy for me to talk about it and I'm probably gonna need to talk about it with at least a few people tomorrow. Anyway, if you think about it, please say a little prayer for me tomorrow. Honestly, the prayers of my family and friends have been what's getting me through this. God is hearing every word and truly guiding me minute by minute. Each hour is different than the last but I can say with all honesty that I feel God's love like never before.

Friday, October 8, 2010


I got some rest last night and thank God for that because I have been so exhausted. Before I went to bed I had peace and that's what really did it. I just feel God holding back so many negative things that I could be dealing with. I feel like He's sped up this grieving process and that He's just really defending me from negative thoughts and emotions. That's not to say that I haven't felt horrible these past few days, but I just think about how some people deal with this for weeks or months and in a matter of a few days I'm already feeling ok and at least somewhat peaceful. I don't think that this will be the end of my sadness or that I won't have difficulty in my future because of this but I just really feel God holding me with this one. I was able to have tea with a good friend last night and she really clarified some things for me. I want God's best for me in every situation.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Tylenol PM doesn't help...this has truly been the longest week of my life. I pray to God to remove me dreams each night but they are still coming. I don't blame God for that at all, I'd rather have a working brain than a non-working one....well...sometimes. Most of the time I wish I could shut off my brain or at least put it on cruise control to get through my classes. I usually have a few hours in the day that I call my "good hours" which consist of me being able to talk about things and usually I am able to eat. This is from 11-2ish. I've found that this is consistent too....self-fulfilling prophecy? If I think I'll be ok at 11 then I will be? I don't know. There's a lot of thoughts running through my head and I'm trying not to let the devil have control. Mornings are usually the most difficult for me which is weird because that's when I have my devotions...It gets a little better when I'm at school too because my mind is very distracted, but driving. man, driving is the worst. I can't listen to music and the silence is just wretched. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be bringing everyone down (all 17 that follow this blog), but It's good for me to write this all down. I don't know why but it just helps. Right now, I don't really question things that help. I want to make it a point though that during this time I am trying my best to seek God and ask what He wants to reveal to me and of me throughout all of this. I ask Him to show me how I'm supposed to feel and if my feelings are ok. This has been a very difficult week but I am more than grateful that I don't have to go through this alone. The support from my family has been incredible, but God has been loving on me in so many ways too. I hope that this week speeds up though.


My big epiphany? I hate sleeping now.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


On Monday, Matthew and I ended our relationship. It's difficult for me but I'm working through it.


so sorry - yesterday was a bad day. I'll explain in the next post.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Some days are harder than others. I wish that I could cuddle up next to Jesus and have Him hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright. As much as I am in love with Him, I can admit that it is difficult to praise Him through the pain. But He is so much bigger than me. And it's not about me. I know everything will work out.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, but I'm still working on a few things.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Revelation #2

God is God no matter what my circumstances are. Praise Him in my pain because He cares enough to let me experience and grow from it.

Friday, October 1, 2010


Today is the start of October and the start of something new. Everyday for the month of October I want to post something on my blog, particularly what God is teaching me. I know it's not always gonna be clear, but at least whatever I feel God's speaking to me :).
These past few days have been quite difficult for me. God is revealing a lot of things about myself, and they're not all pretty :p. I have ignored some things God has said to me and it has repercussions that I'm seeing now. I haven't been bold in the past and I'm paying for it now. God is speaking to me so clearly about it and I'm finally listening. It sounds like the simplest answer but if I could share something with you today then I would say this - just listen.